this is kinda new for me writing well real writing which i dont even know if thats what i did. it's more like i just said my feelings in a much more beatiful way. pain and sadness almost sound better when you say things and describe the pain no just i am in pain but "my heart breaking into a thousand pieces over and over being broken again and again and never healing." sounds better than just i am in pain. i dont know if anyone even read what i wrote on my last blog but i hope that someone might have and might let me know what you think. i dont really know though. so i dont think i will be writing for awhile if anyone was even reading this which i dont think that they were. i guess my life really is just to pathotic....

My Love From Above...

The coldness never stops,
emptiness of warmth is never forgotten.
Warmth is constentaly missed,
is always being longed for,
and never found.
Months maybe weeks,
go by and still no warmth.
Death grows near,
and brings along her coldness,
and the warmth retreats,
even further away.
The coldness knows,
that if i belive the warmth is gone it is.
This coldness pushes me to a point,
of no return.
The coldness has won the battel,
i am worn and useless.
My warmth will never return.
As death gets closer,
i begin to feel warmth.
Although coldness is working to keep me down,
the warmth is begining to over take me.
Warmth is begining to fill my soul.
Life is happening.
My life is feeling warmth,
from my love above the coldness is shatered.
Death grows near,
and brings warmth and memories.
Her warmth brings contemptment,
for the one that i loved.
The battle has been won,
warmth has fought soundly,
coldness has fought bitterly.
My love from above has won my soul.
Now my soul is filled with warmth and the cold has forever been defeated.

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so todayy i kinda asked my self a more serouis question that i think alot of people ask tehmselves everyday. whats my purpose why am doing this at this very moment. i dont really have an answer but i guess that there is a reason for why i am here i know that much. i know in my heart and in my soul that the lord would not put me here just for fun so i could be his pupet i have a reason i have a purpose and i will know it one day it maybe 20 years from now or later tonight but i will know my purpuse sooner or later . right i mean i have too know it sometime dont i or could i go through my entire life feeling completely and uderly lost. is that possible can that even happen i mean really? i guess so i dont think i have any followers or anyone who reads this but if someone is i just want to challange you what is your purpose? why are you here? who are you? just some things to thinkk about things that seem so little but yet are so big at the same time because there is no way we are just living...

adventures!!

well my life may seem small and pathotic to some people but to the people around me and the people that care and love me it's pretty amazing..song lyrics do apply to everydaylife the crapy days and the really amazing days that you never thought would happen. today was a great a day i got to do something i love for something i love even more, and i got to hang out with my bestfriends. but best of all i got to live i got to have a life. i got to see somthing i love which is well it's werid my favorite part about going to a movie is getting to watch the previews for other movies that a coming out.. is that strange i guess so maybe not normal but who wants to be normal why fit in when you can stand out. i guess thats just my point of veiw and things like why be a jerk when you can make someone's day just by smiling at them and saying you look nice today.. it's a dumb thing to hope for because it can never happen but my wish in the world is for kindness and how we should be helping towards one another willing to lend a hand just because thats what were supposed to do i am not saying i am always the nicest person or lend a helping hang when it is needed i'm most deffinatly not perfect in any way not even close but atleast i can say i am trying to make a differnce in the world trying to make it better even if it's just for a few people. at least i am trying i mean what can you say your doing? can you say that you are trying? even trying for a lost cause?

so this is my blog if anyone is readinig i can promise nothing special life it is just as it reads my pathotic life my life that i feel has no meaning my life that i have no clue in hell what i am doing i have no idea whats going on i dont even know my self well enough to know what is going on inside my head i need this blog to vent my feelings because honestly i have no one else or no where else to put my thoughts my hurt feelings or even my happy feelings which are extermely rare and dont happen very often so if i ever write about that it's a special treat for you all. my new year i want to be better but i know that it wont i know that it will still have the pains and baggage from years past i am not stupid i know well not everything or else i would be a much more pleasent person to be around or my real self would be pleasent i feel like me the real me may get turned away and shut down i dont even think my real family knows who i am . knows that i am searching for somthing greater in life something better than fame and glory all i want is happiness which is hard to come by these days i have never said outloud (a.k.a where someone other than me could know thats how i feel) . i dont really know whats even going on in my head who kever really knows what is going on in their own head anyways right i'm not crazy i am just searching and i need someone to know that thats me or hershey's i need someone in the world to have the pociablity of knowing my heart feels like it is breaking every second of every day ...