The Mystrey Boy

I looked up..^^^
I saw this face smiling walking towards me. :)
He began with I'm Seth..
I looked up and introduced myself..
He asked me to get coffee as we sat we talked and talked for whole day it seemed..
It was as if I had known this Seth my entire life as if he had been there before and just returned..
When he left that day from the coffee my heart wanted him it begged me to find him..
But I let him go and so he did..
I bared my soul to Seth a complete stranger who similed at me.
He now knows my darkest secerts and I his...
A year passed..
I went back to the coffee shop and there he stood SETH..
I thought to myself "what do I do ?? say Hello?? How have you been? hey you remember you know everything about me??" my heart was screaming dont let him go again dont do it..
He saw me came to me and told me how he thought of me all the time and has come to the coffee shop at the same time everyday since..
He told me how his heart has beeb begging him to find him.. How he missed me and longed to hear my laugh and touch my hand again...
My heart rejoiced in this..
I had found the boy who smilied and said "I'm Seth"
He had found the girl who looked up dumbfounded and replied "My name"

SORRY

i'm sorry i cant be perfect
i'm sorry i am not the best
i'm sorry i am not the prettiest
i'm sorry i am not the smartest
i'm sorry i am not thin enough
i'm sorry i cant sing well
i'm sorry i dont fit in
i'm sorry i actually want to be like you
i'm sorry you hate me
i'm sorry i am not fast enough
i'm sorry i cant paint
i'm sorry i cant write
i'm sorry i cant be what you want
i'm sorry i am a total mess.
matter of fact.....
I AM NOT SORRY AT ALL
because....
I AM NOT PERFECT
I AM NOT THE BEST
I AM PRETTY
I AM SMART
I AM THIN
I CANT SING
I DONT FIT IN WITH WHAT YOU WANT
I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU
I DONT CARE THAT YOU HATE ME
I AM FAST ENOUGH
I CAN PAINT IN MY OWN WAY
I CAN WRITE MY OWN WORDS
I'M HAPPY I AM WHAT I WANT
I WOULDNT WANT TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A TOTAL MESS
because...
this is who i am..
and i am good enough..

there has been something on my mind for awhile now that i just need to get off my chest. i am so lonely i feel so alone the coldness i feel is begining to over take me i dont know how much longer i can go on like this but my bestfriend is really the only thing that is keeping me from going under we do that for eachother we keep the other one from going under.. we are each others life raft when we get left in the big depths of the emotion we feel.. we have to be no one else understands or gets it or atleast none of our other friends it's so hard to have people always making sucide jokes and i know they forget but me and red dont. we never forget .. she will never forget the person she almost lost to it and i will never forget the person i did lose to it. this guilt i feel is awful the pain i feel is making me numb it's like i cant feel anything nothing.. it's been months since i was truley happy i should be happy really and truely happy not fake happy but real.. i shouldnt have to pretend everythings okay and that it doesnt bother me to think it about i cant talk about it and i cant here other people talk about it.. i dont know how to deal with it i mean should i already be over this.. should i already be over my friend killing herself.......? wow i said it i havent said killing herself i use better words like taking her life or giving in or giving up even sucide but not killing herself taking herself away from all of us and causing us all this pain i mean what kind of a selfish person does that who does that?? is it wrong to be angry at a dead person who was depressed is that wrong... if someone had killed her i would be so angry at them but someone else didnt she did she did it herself without help from anyone else. i know i have to forgive her sooner or later but right now i am just mad at her i cant remember the good times all i can think about is how much she hurt me and her mom and her family thats it... that is all i can think about at this point so maybe i do just need a little time but maybe i need a lot of time maybe i will deal with this for 1 more year or maybe 20 more years but how i deal is all up to me and what i choose right ? no my emotions will choose for me because anytime i think of something she would have loved i do it or get it just so part of her still lives on today..is that reall so bad??

this is kinda new for me writing well real writing which i dont even know if thats what i did. it's more like i just said my feelings in a much more beatiful way. pain and sadness almost sound better when you say things and describe the pain no just i am in pain but "my heart breaking into a thousand pieces over and over being broken again and again and never healing." sounds better than just i am in pain. i dont know if anyone even read what i wrote on my last blog but i hope that someone might have and might let me know what you think. i dont really know though. so i dont think i will be writing for awhile if anyone was even reading this which i dont think that they were. i guess my life really is just to pathotic....

My Love From Above...

The coldness never stops,
emptiness of warmth is never forgotten.
Warmth is constentaly missed,
is always being longed for,
and never found.
Months maybe weeks,
go by and still no warmth.
Death grows near,
and brings along her coldness,
and the warmth retreats,
even further away.
The coldness knows,
that if i belive the warmth is gone it is.
This coldness pushes me to a point,
of no return.
The coldness has won the battel,
i am worn and useless.
My warmth will never return.
As death gets closer,
i begin to feel warmth.
Although coldness is working to keep me down,
the warmth is begining to over take me.
Warmth is begining to fill my soul.
Life is happening.
My life is feeling warmth,
from my love above the coldness is shatered.
Death grows near,
and brings warmth and memories.
Her warmth brings contemptment,
for the one that i loved.
The battle has been won,
warmth has fought soundly,
coldness has fought bitterly.
My love from above has won my soul.
Now my soul is filled with warmth and the cold has forever been defeated.

no title

so todayy i kinda asked my self a more serouis question that i think alot of people ask tehmselves everyday. whats my purpose why am doing this at this very moment. i dont really have an answer but i guess that there is a reason for why i am here i know that much. i know in my heart and in my soul that the lord would not put me here just for fun so i could be his pupet i have a reason i have a purpose and i will know it one day it maybe 20 years from now or later tonight but i will know my purpuse sooner or later . right i mean i have too know it sometime dont i or could i go through my entire life feeling completely and uderly lost. is that possible can that even happen i mean really? i guess so i dont think i have any followers or anyone who reads this but if someone is i just want to challange you what is your purpose? why are you here? who are you? just some things to thinkk about things that seem so little but yet are so big at the same time because there is no way we are just living...

adventures!!

well my life may seem small and pathotic to some people but to the people around me and the people that care and love me it's pretty amazing..song lyrics do apply to everydaylife the crapy days and the really amazing days that you never thought would happen. today was a great a day i got to do something i love for something i love even more, and i got to hang out with my bestfriends. but best of all i got to live i got to have a life. i got to see somthing i love which is well it's werid my favorite part about going to a movie is getting to watch the previews for other movies that a coming out.. is that strange i guess so maybe not normal but who wants to be normal why fit in when you can stand out. i guess thats just my point of veiw and things like why be a jerk when you can make someone's day just by smiling at them and saying you look nice today.. it's a dumb thing to hope for because it can never happen but my wish in the world is for kindness and how we should be helping towards one another willing to lend a hand just because thats what were supposed to do i am not saying i am always the nicest person or lend a helping hang when it is needed i'm most deffinatly not perfect in any way not even close but atleast i can say i am trying to make a differnce in the world trying to make it better even if it's just for a few people. at least i am trying i mean what can you say your doing? can you say that you are trying? even trying for a lost cause?