there has been something on my mind for awhile now that i just need to get off my chest. i am so lonely i feel so alone the coldness i feel is begining to over take me i dont know how much longer i can go on like this but my bestfriend is really the only thing that is keeping me from going under we do that for eachother we keep the other one from going under.. we are each others life raft when we get left in the big depths of the emotion we feel.. we have to be no one else understands or gets it or atleast none of our other friends it's so hard to have people always making sucide jokes and i know they forget but me and red dont. we never forget .. she will never forget the person she almost lost to it and i will never forget the person i did lose to it. this guilt i feel is awful the pain i feel is making me numb it's like i cant feel anything nothing.. it's been months since i was truley happy i should be happy really and truely happy not fake happy but real.. i shouldnt have to pretend everythings okay and that it doesnt bother me to think it about i cant talk about it and i cant here other people talk about it.. i dont know how to deal with it i mean should i already be over this.. should i already be over my friend killing herself.......? wow i said it i havent said killing herself i use better words like taking her life or giving in or giving up even sucide but not killing herself taking herself away from all of us and causing us all this pain i mean what kind of a selfish person does that who does that?? is it wrong to be angry at a dead person who was depressed is that wrong... if someone had killed her i would be so angry at them but someone else didnt she did she did it herself without help from anyone else. i know i have to forgive her sooner or later but right now i am just mad at her i cant remember the good times all i can think about is how much she hurt me and her mom and her family thats it... that is all i can think about at this point so maybe i do just need a little time but maybe i need a lot of time maybe i will deal with this for 1 more year or maybe 20 more years but how i deal is all up to me and what i choose right ? no my emotions will choose for me because anytime i think of something she would have loved i do it or get it just so part of her still lives on today..is that reall so bad??